12-26-13

Well Christmas passed by without any major drama. There's a new guy interest in my life. His name is Randy and he works at Home Depot. He was in garden but they've moved him around a couple of times and he has a second job. He works night time security at CSI. Anyways yeah he's super nice and pretty cute. I don't want him to see that I'm interested though because that doesn't work out well for me.

I lost my phone again, and that's depressing but anyways. I've got an interview at the hospital which I am excited about. Anyways...new years is on its way. Woohoo.

12-06-13

She doesn't believe in me. Everything I plan she has doubts for.

11-20-13

To quote Jude Harrison, I'm so tired of falling for guys who don't fall back, it hurts. I wish I could have someone who liked me and I liked them back and I didn't chase them away but being a psycho. Jake, Joe, and Leo. One liked me back but I chased him away by being a psycho and the other 2 didn't even like me back but I'm sure I chased both of them away by being a psycho anyways. It's very depressing.

10-19-13

I'm managing to maybe kind of back off a little bit. I don't think I'm being as suffocating as I was. But it still worries me. In other news I think I'm starting to get the hang of this budgeting thing.

10-9-13

I've becoming to reliant on talking things out with Jake. When he's not around and I'm falling to pieces I don't know what to do anymore. These things happen more than they should. I shouldn't let myself get so wrapped up in someone else.

10-2-13

I'm still having trouble getting out of my own head. I'm having difficulty dealing with my grandma lately. I just want to get away really. I'm so tired. This weekend will be a nice time for me. I won't be getting away but everyone else will be gone so it'll almost be like getting away because I'll have the whole house to myself. It'll be really really nice.

Now I want to talk about Jake. I think I did it again. I think I scared a possible friend off by being a psycho. I get to talk to the counselor tomorrow and we'll see how I am feeling after that.

9-29-13

Me and Emmalee went to the Pregnancy crisis center benefit dinner last night. That was a load of fun. I texted Jake and apologized for the other day when I was talking to him about self hatred. I said that I felt like I was really judgmental and I was sorry. He said it was okay. That he's had plenty of advice and that he can't be helped. I just said that I didn't believe that but we could agree to disagree. He didn't reply.

9-27-13

Well Emmalee had to cancel dinner tonight so that was a bummer. So anyways, I'm just going to spend the night being bored. I am hoping to talk to Jake again.

9-27-13

I'm feeling pretty good. I am having dinner with Emmalee tonight. That's pretty cool. Let's see what else...oh I told Jake I was in love with him when I moved away. That was fun. We haven't really talked since then but we'll just have to see what happens. I want to drive up to Washington and visit him. But at this point I have no money to stay in a hotel. Maybe that's what I'll do next summer. Hopefully by then I'll be in a little bit of a better financial state.

9-22-13

I'm feeling pretty awesome right now. I had a down couple of days and I had to come to terms with the fact that my head isn't screwed on quite right so I may need some psychological help. Jake was my anchor through all of it. He's becoming a strong point for me. It's actually kind of frightening just because I know that usually about the time I find something to latch onto is about the time it gets pulled out from under me. That's the way it has been in the past anyways.

Jake scares me. He's so unpredictable and he has always brought strong feelings out of me. For as long as I've know him it's been that way. But not all the feelings are positive per say. I just don't want to get burned again.

9-17-13

I have come to terms with what happened with Joe and I'm interested to see what happens with Jake. I had such strong feelings for him for a long time. I just need to try and take things slow. Not my strong point but I'll try it.

9-16-13

I'm being bipolar again. Jake. I was on Facebook and I commented on a status of his. It went on to me having a conversation with him on chat. It's taken me by surprise how easily all those old feelings for him get brought back to the surface. Especially with all of this confusion over everything that's happened with Joe.

9-14-13

I had a little bit of an emotional meltdown yesterday. I texted Joe this: "I need you to say something. Tell me to go away. Something. I'm driving myself mad. It hurts." and he texted me back this. "You need to stop. Watching you unravel is not fun and it's not you. I have a lot going on right now and am not very sociable. I'm just trying to figure me out." It hurt a lot. But it was what I needed to hear. I needed to have a reason to let go, to back away. I still feel like crying sometimes but I will bounce back. Just like always.

And of course I saw him at work yesterday before that conversation. I was determined to not pay any attention to him. But the best plans of mice and men and all that jazz, he was wear that pink polo. I love that pink polo. It mad me angry that the day that I wanted to just ignore him completely he had to look so damn cute.

9-12-13

I want to throw up. Joe isn't my friend on facebook anymore. I don't know why. I don't know what happened. He must have gotten sick of my drama. I have a lot of emotional drama that I can't help. It comes with being me. I live in my head and I don't get out of it a lot. It makes it really hard to make connections with people. I told Joe that I was a bad idea from the beginning. He pressed forward and got me lost in the idea that I could some how be some what normal. Have a connection with somebody. But now I am being swallowed by cruel reality. I'm not meant for that kind of thing. I don't know how to act like a normal human being. It makes me sick to think that I was so bad that a nice guy like Joe had to just delete me without a word.

9-11-13

This is a day to remember. This day 12 years ago, I was 10 years old, living in Fairfield, California. I woke up to a seemingly normal day but it was turned sideways. We turned on the television and every channel was covering the same story. Terrorism. It wasn't even a word I was overly familiar with, but I could feel its affect. I thought I lived in a country where the only thing I had to fear was my neighbor. Sad really. I lived in a place where the guns that were trained on  you were being held by someone who lived in the same country. The country I lived in seemed to at a perpetual civil war. But now I found out that there were others who had their sights trained on the place I called home. I was terrified that someone was going to blow up my home next. If they could attack New York City what would keep them from attacking here?

We didn't do homework that day. We sat in front of the tv watching the news, calling friends, checking to make certain that the people we loved were safe. I didn't know people that lived on the east coast. The closest people we knew lived in the south. But still we called to check in with everyone. I can't say I remember the day very well. But I remember flashes. I can still think of what the lay out of the living room was as we sat on the couch watching, horrified, as they played the crash over and over. I pray that my future children never have to experience such a day. The horror is something I can never forget. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

9-9-13

I'm trying to force myself to be happy right now. I mean I'm not "unhappy" really I'm just not happy. I'm nothing. I couldn't tell you what emotion I'm feeling other than maybe confusion about my emotions. This is very stupid. I should be able to focus on other things besides my stupid emotions.

9-8-13

First: Saw Riddick today. It was freaking awesome!
Second: I give up. I give up on trying to stop caring about Joe. I can't figure out how to do it. Every time I go to work I look for him. Every time I log on Facebook I have to see if he's online. Main reason I'm upset that I don't have a cell phone right now is because I can't text him. I don't know what to do anymore and because he's not really talking to me right now he can't tell me. It's making me crazy.

8-30-13

I'm insecure. I'm shy. I'm short tempered. I doubt. I lie to myself. These are all the reasons why I can't. But no one cares :) < that is a sarcastic smile.

8-28-13

I'm tired. But I've gotta clean my room tonight. So I'm going to stay for a while and do that. Find something to listen to cd wise. I'm losing my mind, did ya know? I spend all this time thinking about Joe and I don't think that he thinks about me at all if I'm not texting him or at work talking to him. It hurts. Liking a guy more than he likes you always hurts. I know, I've done. All I've done is do it. Every guy I've like in the past has been that way. I am not sure what I should do. I keep telling myself that I should just stop texting him and see if he says anything about it, but damn it every time I turn around I'm texting him again. I've got poor will power when it comes to this sort of thing.

8-23-13

Took a nice walk today. My knee gave me some trouble but I survived. I need to clean my room tonight but first I might go to the store and grab a soda or something because I'm tired. :s I have to work at 8 in the morning tomorrow. Staying up late to clean my room tonight might not be the best idea in the world but I think I might do it anyway.

8-21-13

I believe in God and I believe he created me. But when I say I create myself I mean something different then "creation." I mean that how I act changes me in the view of others. I create myself in how I act.

I was talking about a Doctor Who tattoo I wanted. That had Bad Wolf with the DW being the Doctor Who style DW and under that it would say I create myself. I posted that on Facebook and one of my friends said that I don't create myself. That's not what I mean! In terms of Doctor Who and the scene with Rose as the Bad Wolf, I create myself.

8-18-13

I feel like I am going to be sick. My emotions got the better of me again and led me down another dead end I think. This whole thing with Joe was a bad idea to begin with. I can't believe I bought into it. He's such a nice guy but we're too different I think. Not to mention my damaged psyche is just a pain in the ass for anyone to deal with much less a guy who's already got enough on his plate as it is. I need to step back from this because it's going to hurt a lot if I keep going.

8-18-13

I'm lost. I don't feel like I know where I'm going anymore. I've always had a goal in the future that I was aiming for. Getting a out of the hospital, walking, driving, getting a job, going to Paris. Now I just don't know what to aim for. I'm mean sure I've got the goal of getting out of debt, and moving into an apartment, all that. But all of that seems like they are long term goals, I don't have any short term goals. Anything to keep my head turned in the right direction.

Then this whole thing with grandma is sending me into a tail spin. I'm so hurt, I can't believe how little my own grandmother actually knows me.

8-16-13

Quit Discovery. I just couldn't handle it. It was stressing me out so much. I was feeling sick all the time, I was tired all the time, I kept having to change schedules at Home Depot and so it was risking my job over there I think. I'm going to be happier back down to one job. Paying off bills isn't worth that stress.

8-11-13

I work at Discovery today from 11 to 7. Hurray. Though their schedule confuses me. I know I need this job but I wish I had a job that had a regular schedule.

8-5-13

Today I work at The Depot and then I go on lunch and go to my orientation at Discovery. I was freaking out because I was scheduled to work at Home Depot when I was supposed to be going to my orientation at Discovery. So I talked to Margarito about it and he said just take an hour lunch and if it's going to take longer than an hour just call them and tell them and they'll just take care of it then. He's left word with the Head Cashier that he approved this and I am very very thankful. Cause I need both jobs badly.

8-4-13

I really am scared about this. I'm so bad at not looking before I fall. Now I'm wondering if I haven't stepped into another heart break. I think I might need to take a step back and see what happens.

On another note. I went to Stephanie's wedding and that was really nice, I also went and saw Star Trek: Into Darkness and that was fantastic. I'm starting to get really into star trek. I want to watch the original series, and next gen, and voyager, and deep space nine, and the wrath of Khan. I want to become a Trekkie. :)

7-27-13

I have a bad feeling about this. Falling this hard, this fast is typically a bad idea. At least for me I don't know what to do. We have still been texting some but not as much as we did starting out and I'm freaking myself out about it. I'm just paranoid that because I was gone for almost 2 weeks that he has somehow become uninterested. And I worry that I'm already becoming too much bother. I think I worry too much but it's kind of driving me crazy. I'm afraid to say anything about it to him because then he'll remember how young and naïve I am. He'll wonder what he's gotten himself into.

7-6-13

So his name is Joe. He works in garden. He's super nice. He's 33 and has been married twice before. One of his ex wives still lives in the same house because she is disabled and on a fixed income. He has 5 kids. 3 sons and 2 daughters. I really like him.

5-9-13

I've fallen again. Nate, my supervisor, and it's a hopeless situation. Anyways I've actually started having hope that I will one day become a head cashier. I like this job and it's something I can see myself doing up until the point I have to move for school.

3-19-13

Worked tonight. It was a fairly decent night, though I did accidently leave my cell in my locker which was a bummer. Anyways I'm still angy that Chase got fired. It was so stupid, makes me dislike Andy even more than I already did. He's so whiney and I miss Chase. He was so fun. Let's see what else? Hm...I work at Robert Stuart again tomorrow. Then I go to Home Depot. I've applied for another job at the hospital. I don't know why I can't seem to get a job there. I've applied many times.

2-22-13

I've been sick the last couple of days. Pretty misreable but I'm starting to feel just a little bit better tonight. Watching Suits with mom. I don't watch this show regularly but I enjoy watching mostly because I think Harvey's awesome. He is so messed up but he's hilarious to, I love it.

2-16-13

There was this thing posted on Facebook that said "You can't start a new chapter in your life if you keep re-reading the old one." Am I still rereading J's chapter? I don't feel like I am. J didn't really have a chapter because there wasn't a relationship. There was just one-sided feelings. But the real  question is, is am I comparing guys to J? Is that one of the reasons I can't start a relationship? I don't know. I don't feel like I'm that incrediably hung up on the guy he just pops into my mind a lot. Which isn't fair at all. What a jerk. Stealing my thoughts like that.

2-1-13

Another fight with my mom. I'm getting pretty tired of this. I was eating the shrimp I bought on her request.

2-16-13

Today we're going to the home and garden show and then I have to work tonight. I've had a rough couple of days because of money and emotional issues. David's moving out and it's tough that he's moving out before I am. It's mostly because he's more social than I am so he has room mates to move in with. But it's still kind of depressing. Anyways Paris will make it better.

Whatever the money pinches this trip is causing me it is going to be so worth it when I get there. I can't wait.

2-1-13

It's been a while since I blogged. Work is going really well and I'm getting my France trip payed for. Me and Mom went to Death by Chocolate last night and we ran into Rosemary and Jessica Stone. I was talking about my France trip this summer and Jessica started talking about possibly joining me. Not on the actual tour but showing up and spend a couple days in Paris with me. It would be really fun. Me and Jessica get a long really well and it would be fun to have someone I know with me. I've missed Jessica. She's so much fun to hang out with. Her and her mom are just riots.