9-12-17

Sometime I feel like I can't breathe. I want a child so badly but I am afraid I am broken. I fear what getting pregnant and losing a child would do to me. It would be a high risk pregnancy I know it. With Joe's age combined with my health problems, I can't imagine how losing our child would destroy me. But I want a child badly. I mean I know it's not in the cards right now because of our money issues but I feel like a piece is missing. I have been reading stories and watching movies lately that all seem to feature babies and it causes more damage than it should. Because for all I know I am perfectly capable of having children I just haven't. I'm afraid that by the time we are able to financially Joe will have changed his mind.

9-08-17

A fight. This fight is special mostly because I didn't know we were having it until he said that he needed some space. I'm confident enough in our marriage to know that space does not mean anything close to separation or divorce but it still is upsetting because I feel like the subject of this fight is something that we have touched on before and it's nothing close to severe enough in my head to warrant this kind of reaction from him. I don't know. Anyway I'm unemployed and that kind of sucks but I'm working really hard to find a new job. It sucks because I feel like I'm letting him down. Our money situation is pretty stressful right now and I do think that is a big part of what is going on. I've been applying for jobs non-stop and I have been trying to get on unemployment as well. I have also put in another application for disability because I'm thinking that it might do me a lot of good to get out of the work force for a little while because of my anxiety levels. I can be a house wife for a little while.