11-20-17

Long time no see. Yeah I know. Anyway, I was reading the summery of Fifty Shades Darker the movie and I was really struck by it. Can anyone as damaged as he ever hope to keep her? That is me. I'm so damaged can I ever hope to keep Joe. I think we'll have as happy of an ending as Christian does though. Because he does have a happy ending. I just wish I had Christian's money not just his derangement. I mean not exactly the same derangement but I've got my own flavor. I'm trying so hard to find a new job. I've had like three job interviews but nothing has come of it! I had one job but just before I was to start they called and said that they didn't have an opening anymore because the girl that was quitting decided not to. I've had two other job interviews, one just went all right but the other one I thought went really well but I still haven't heard anything back. I'm so frustrated!

9-12-17

Sometime I feel like I can't breathe. I want a child so badly but I am afraid I am broken. I fear what getting pregnant and losing a child would do to me. It would be a high risk pregnancy I know it. With Joe's age combined with my health problems, I can't imagine how losing our child would destroy me. But I want a child badly. I mean I know it's not in the cards right now because of our money issues but I feel like a piece is missing. I have been reading stories and watching movies lately that all seem to feature babies and it causes more damage than it should. Because for all I know I am perfectly capable of having children I just haven't. I'm afraid that by the time we are able to financially Joe will have changed his mind.

9-08-17

A fight. This fight is special mostly because I didn't know we were having it until he said that he needed some space. I'm confident enough in our marriage to know that space does not mean anything close to separation or divorce but it still is upsetting because I feel like the subject of this fight is something that we have touched on before and it's nothing close to severe enough in my head to warrant this kind of reaction from him. I don't know. Anyway I'm unemployed and that kind of sucks but I'm working really hard to find a new job. It sucks because I feel like I'm letting him down. Our money situation is pretty stressful right now and I do think that is a big part of what is going on. I've been applying for jobs non-stop and I have been trying to get on unemployment as well. I have also put in another application for disability because I'm thinking that it might do me a lot of good to get out of the work force for a little while because of my anxiety levels. I can be a house wife for a little while.

7-29-17

I still haven't quite made my peace with Chester Bennington's death. I'm so heartbroken that he felt compelled to choose suicide. It makes me glad that I was able to escape the clutches of depression. Maybe not without showing a little bit of self destructiveness but nothing so drastic. It hurts because I know people in that place, my own step son has been to that edge. It's a dark place.

7-28-17

I'm so glad it's Friday. Seriously this week took forever to pass. I'm just exhausted.

7-27-17

I think this job is starting to even itself out. I don't feel as uncomfortable as I did before. It still isn't my favorite job in the world but it's money and it'll work until I have more financial freedom to find something better. I'll make it. I still wish I has a different supervisor though.

7-26-17

Things have slowed down. Nichol is out of the picture at this point taking Maxx with her. Joey went back to California and Jayme is working out if state right now. So the house is ours again. We are in a lot of debt but we'll claw ourselves out of it eventually. As long as it is the two of us we can do anything. I know it. I am going to try and post regularly again. Keep your fingers crossed.

5-12-17

I'm a hostage in my own house. James, Nicole, Maxx and Joey all live here with us. I don't have a house anymore. I swear I live in a hotel now. James is so loud constantly. Plus the times that he and Nicole scream and hit each other. It's exhausting. He never cleans anything. There is always a mess. I'm so exhausted.