9-29-13

Me and Emmalee went to the Pregnancy crisis center benefit dinner last night. That was a load of fun. I texted Jake and apologized for the other day when I was talking to him about self hatred. I said that I felt like I was really judgmental and I was sorry. He said it was okay. That he's had plenty of advice and that he can't be helped. I just said that I didn't believe that but we could agree to disagree. He didn't reply.

9-27-13

Well Emmalee had to cancel dinner tonight so that was a bummer. So anyways, I'm just going to spend the night being bored. I am hoping to talk to Jake again.

9-27-13

I'm feeling pretty good. I am having dinner with Emmalee tonight. That's pretty cool. Let's see what else...oh I told Jake I was in love with him when I moved away. That was fun. We haven't really talked since then but we'll just have to see what happens. I want to drive up to Washington and visit him. But at this point I have no money to stay in a hotel. Maybe that's what I'll do next summer. Hopefully by then I'll be in a little bit of a better financial state.

9-22-13

I'm feeling pretty awesome right now. I had a down couple of days and I had to come to terms with the fact that my head isn't screwed on quite right so I may need some psychological help. Jake was my anchor through all of it. He's becoming a strong point for me. It's actually kind of frightening just because I know that usually about the time I find something to latch onto is about the time it gets pulled out from under me. That's the way it has been in the past anyways.

Jake scares me. He's so unpredictable and he has always brought strong feelings out of me. For as long as I've know him it's been that way. But not all the feelings are positive per say. I just don't want to get burned again.

9-17-13

I have come to terms with what happened with Joe and I'm interested to see what happens with Jake. I had such strong feelings for him for a long time. I just need to try and take things slow. Not my strong point but I'll try it.

9-16-13

I'm being bipolar again. Jake. I was on Facebook and I commented on a status of his. It went on to me having a conversation with him on chat. It's taken me by surprise how easily all those old feelings for him get brought back to the surface. Especially with all of this confusion over everything that's happened with Joe.

9-14-13

I had a little bit of an emotional meltdown yesterday. I texted Joe this: "I need you to say something. Tell me to go away. Something. I'm driving myself mad. It hurts." and he texted me back this. "You need to stop. Watching you unravel is not fun and it's not you. I have a lot going on right now and am not very sociable. I'm just trying to figure me out." It hurt a lot. But it was what I needed to hear. I needed to have a reason to let go, to back away. I still feel like crying sometimes but I will bounce back. Just like always.

And of course I saw him at work yesterday before that conversation. I was determined to not pay any attention to him. But the best plans of mice and men and all that jazz, he was wear that pink polo. I love that pink polo. It mad me angry that the day that I wanted to just ignore him completely he had to look so damn cute.

9-12-13

I want to throw up. Joe isn't my friend on facebook anymore. I don't know why. I don't know what happened. He must have gotten sick of my drama. I have a lot of emotional drama that I can't help. It comes with being me. I live in my head and I don't get out of it a lot. It makes it really hard to make connections with people. I told Joe that I was a bad idea from the beginning. He pressed forward and got me lost in the idea that I could some how be some what normal. Have a connection with somebody. But now I am being swallowed by cruel reality. I'm not meant for that kind of thing. I don't know how to act like a normal human being. It makes me sick to think that I was so bad that a nice guy like Joe had to just delete me without a word.

9-11-13

This is a day to remember. This day 12 years ago, I was 10 years old, living in Fairfield, California. I woke up to a seemingly normal day but it was turned sideways. We turned on the television and every channel was covering the same story. Terrorism. It wasn't even a word I was overly familiar with, but I could feel its affect. I thought I lived in a country where the only thing I had to fear was my neighbor. Sad really. I lived in a place where the guns that were trained on  you were being held by someone who lived in the same country. The country I lived in seemed to at a perpetual civil war. But now I found out that there were others who had their sights trained on the place I called home. I was terrified that someone was going to blow up my home next. If they could attack New York City what would keep them from attacking here?

We didn't do homework that day. We sat in front of the tv watching the news, calling friends, checking to make certain that the people we loved were safe. I didn't know people that lived on the east coast. The closest people we knew lived in the south. But still we called to check in with everyone. I can't say I remember the day very well. But I remember flashes. I can still think of what the lay out of the living room was as we sat on the couch watching, horrified, as they played the crash over and over. I pray that my future children never have to experience such a day. The horror is something I can never forget. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

9-9-13

I'm trying to force myself to be happy right now. I mean I'm not "unhappy" really I'm just not happy. I'm nothing. I couldn't tell you what emotion I'm feeling other than maybe confusion about my emotions. This is very stupid. I should be able to focus on other things besides my stupid emotions.

9-8-13

First: Saw Riddick today. It was freaking awesome!
Second: I give up. I give up on trying to stop caring about Joe. I can't figure out how to do it. Every time I go to work I look for him. Every time I log on Facebook I have to see if he's online. Main reason I'm upset that I don't have a cell phone right now is because I can't text him. I don't know what to do anymore and because he's not really talking to me right now he can't tell me. It's making me crazy.