9-29-13

Me and Emmalee went to the Pregnancy crisis center benefit dinner last night. That was a load of fun. I texted Jake and apologized for the other day when I was talking to him about self hatred. I said that I felt like I was really judgmental and I was sorry. He said it was okay. That he's had plenty of advice and that he can't be helped. I just said that I didn't believe that but we could agree to disagree. He didn't reply.

9-27-13

Well Emmalee had to cancel dinner tonight so that was a bummer. So anyways, I'm just going to spend the night being bored. I am hoping to talk to Jake again.

9-27-13

I'm feeling pretty good. I am having dinner with Emmalee tonight. That's pretty cool. Let's see what else...oh I told Jake I was in love with him when I moved away. That was fun. We haven't really talked since then but we'll just have to see what happens. I want to drive up to Washington and visit him. But at this point I have no money to stay in a hotel. Maybe that's what I'll do next summer. Hopefully by then I'll be in a little bit of a better financial state.

9-22-13

I'm feeling pretty awesome right now. I had a down couple of days and I had to come to terms with the fact that my head isn't screwed on quite right so I may need some psychological help. Jake was my anchor through all of it. He's becoming a strong point for me. It's actually kind of frightening just because I know that usually about the time I find something to latch onto is about the time it gets pulled out from under me. That's the way it has been in the past anyways.

Jake scares me. He's so unpredictable and he has always brought strong feelings out of me. For as long as I've know him it's been that way. But not all the feelings are positive per say. I just don't want to get burned again.

9-17-13

I have come to terms with what happened with Joe and I'm interested to see what happens with Jake. I had such strong feelings for him for a long time. I just need to try and take things slow. Not my strong point but I'll try it.

9-16-13

I'm being bipolar again. Jake. I was on Facebook and I commented on a status of his. It went on to me having a conversation with him on chat. It's taken me by surprise how easily all those old feelings for him get brought back to the surface. Especially with all of this confusion over everything that's happened with Joe.

9-14-13

I had a little bit of an emotional meltdown yesterday. I texted Joe this: "I need you to say something. Tell me to go away. Something. I'm driving myself mad. It hurts." and he texted me back this. "You need to stop. Watching you unravel is not fun and it's not you. I have a lot going on right now and am not very sociable. I'm just trying to figure me out." It hurt a lot. But it was what I needed to hear. I needed to have a reason to let go, to back away. I still feel like crying sometimes but I will bounce back. Just like always.

And of course I saw him at work yesterday before that conversation. I was determined to not pay any attention to him. But the best plans of mice and men and all that jazz, he was wear that pink polo. I love that pink polo. It mad me angry that the day that I wanted to just ignore him completely he had to look so damn cute.